The Remedial Fanfiction Academy
by Shrewspeare
Summary: In the spirit of great works of Mistress Cam and Meir Bryn, we bring you their worst nightmare! For your reading pleasure, we present to you a tale of plunnies, stone cows, restraining orders, and grammatical correctness. Enjoy!
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

Dear Lady Ivy,

You will not believe the amount of crap I have had to put up with here at OFUM. Since I'm one of the newer administrators, they've seemed to have assigned me all of the hard cases. You know, the girls who haven't cracked a book since they learned to read! Now, you know, I'm all about helping those less fortunate than me and I've always taken joy in working with the most troubling of students. However, OFUM simply cannot meet the needs of these atrocious writers. So, I have a proposal for you. Drag your ass out of your little flet in Mirkwood and help me start a school that would better the situation of the most remedial of our writers. Meir Bryn has informed me that their staff is also being overrun by these misfortunate few. My plan is to combine the needs of both of these groups and serve them together at one academy. After graduation, they will be sent to their respective universities. Think of us as community college… the gateway to higher learning, if you will.

Write as quickly as if your quill was on fire,

Mistress Kat

* * *

><p>My dear Mistress Kat,<p>

Your news is not news to me. I noticed the beginning of this trend before my sabbatical from OFUM, but I had not realized that the situation could be so dire. I would be more than happy to enter into an equal partnership with you in the founding of this academy. Shall we call it the Remedial Fanfiction Academy? It seems an appropriate appellation. Additionally, you might want to consider including the very worst and toughest cases – Twilight authors. It seems that they might not have learned to read at all! They would be best served by learning from and with potential candidates of OFUM and HFA, perhaps they might even see the error of their ways and reform to more worthy characters and plotlines.

I'll be sharpening my quills in anticipation,

Lady Ivy

* * *

><p>LI-<p>

Thank GOD, I finally got approval today! We even get to borrow some of the main staff from OFUM and HFA. I think I might even convince the resident sparklepyres to take on faculty positions as well! You know what this mean: fangirl stampedes! In order to keep that in check, I've rounded up some of our more atrocious plunnies. It is my hope that they will serve as effectively, if not more so, as the protectors of HFA and OFUM. You'll be happy to know that our dear friend Legolas will be heading up the LotR faculty section. Please keep your hands to yourself until such actions become consensual. I'm sure I don't need to remind you of that unfortunate "incident". I'm pretty sure Arwen and Eowyn have forgiven you by now! And anyway, the restraining order has been lifted, yay! I've decided it would be most cruel to exclude Twilight writers who so desperately need this intervention. I've taken the liberty of choosing some who I feel might have just a little drop of potential. The rest, well, they'll need their own academy. Probably one for the desperately insane.

Looking forward to terrorizing the halls with you once more,

MK

* * *

><p>MK-<p>

You REALLY have to bring that up? The restraining order was only a formal measure passed by a hasty and fearful staff. Once the incident cleared up, I was sure it was only going to be a matter of time. I am glad to hear that our idea has caught and been sanctioned by those most esteemed faculty coordinators. I doubt we will be able to live up to them, but we sure will have a hell of a time trying! Rounding up the plunnies is a great idea, as the Mini Aragogs from HFA would no doubt band with the Mini Balrogs from OFUM to create the worst kind of havoc imaginable, and at least the plunnies are sickeningly adorable, but not venomous. If they accept, those poor vampires have no idea what is coming to them.

See you before the start of term,

LI


	2. The Brick

**The Brick**

_Her eyes twinkled like a thousand stars, all twinkley at once! "Oh, Aimey!" Edward sighed "I love you, but I can't be with you! I am two dangerous too bee around a mortal!" (A/N Isn't he so precious!1) "Then make me a vampire, Eddie-kins! And we can have hot vampy sex FOREVER!" Edward staired deep into her eyes. "Yes"._

Evie Little sat back in her chair with a sigh. Ah, another perfect fiction. Her delusions were shattered like the glass in her window when a brick came flying through and hit her in the head!

"OW!" she swore.

"Oh, usually that knocks them out," said a voice coming from the general vicinity of Evie's window. "Hand me the other brick."

"No! One brick per student. You know the rules. Besides, bleeding always leaves stains in the main hall," said another voice.

Blinking through the agony of her blossoming headache, Evie tried to focus on seeing who these two crazy strangers were. "What is going on!" she exclaimed.

"'Ello poppet!" said the first voice, and for the first time, Evie saw a figure in the moonlight brandishing another brick.

"The HELL?" she shouted.

"Tut, tut. Ladies shouldn't swear!" said the second voice.

"FUCKING A!" said the first voice, delightedly.

Evie was deeply confused, and possibly concussed, when the woman she was thinking of as number two climbed into her window. "Right then. Some of the other academies make you sign a waiver. You got blood on our brick. That counts. You're coming with us!" cackled the second voice.

Evie's eyes rolled back in her head. There was only so much insanity she could handle in one night.

"Damnit, we're going to need help carrying this one," said Lady Ivy.

"I thought you said ladies don't swear," Mistress Kat taunted.

"Shut up and help me with her."

"Remind me again why we didn't bring one of the wizards with us? Or even an elf. A VAMPIRE would have done!" complained Mistress Kat.

"Would have attracted attention," reasoned Lady Ivy.

Mistress Kat snorted. "Yeah, cause throwing bricks through windows is SO SUBTLE."

"Have you forgotten who our students are? Subtle won't work. They require bricks!" Lady Ivy reminded her.

"And blunt force trauma?" exclaimed Mistress Kat happily.

"And blunt force trauma," agreed Lady Ivy.


	3. University Introductory History

**University Introductory History**

Evie Little was jostled awake by a sharp elbow to the ribs. "You're bleeding on my shirt!" complained the one who had just jabbed her.

"Um, sorry?" Evie said, startling awake and looking around her. She was strewn somewhere in the middle of a pile of bodies, one of whom was speaking. From the amount of wriggling around her, it seemed like everyone else was waking up as well. There was a shrill sound of a bell, and a voice shouting "ON YOUR FEET!"

The wriggling intensified, and Evie found herself part of a slow avalanche of students tumbling end from end and eventually scrambled to her feet. She knew it would be a terrible thing to disobey the voice.

"IN A LINE!" the voice demanded. The remaining few still on the ground jumped up and they fell into something that vaguely resembled a line, looking wildly around for the source of the voice.

"Thanks, y'all!" a sweet voice chimed from the front of the room. Evie peered around the girl in front of her, but still couldn't see through the mass of people. "Damnit, I knew I should have put a podium in here!" the voice drawled.

"I'M ON IT!" barked the first voice. Suddenly, Evie could see the owner of the drawling voice, mostly because said woman was floating at least ten feet in the air.

"Welcome to the Remedial Fanfiction Academy! You have been handpicked by myself, Lady Ivy, and our illustrious staff for an intensive remedial education in all things canonical, grammatical, and-"

"I WILL BREAK YOU!" boomed the voice from the intercom.

"Now Lady Ivy, be _nice_. As I was saying before I was so _rudely interrupted_, you are the worst of the worst and we have brought you here before you can be sent to the appropriate university. If you graduate, you can expect to find yourselves at our esteemed institutes of higher learning such as OFUM, HFA, MUSM, etc."

"What are they talking about?" asked the girl who had elbowed Evie.

"If you fail," continued the floating woman, "a brick to the head will be the least of your worries." Several of the students rubbed their heads.

"BECAUSE I WILL BREAK YOU!"

"And now for the introductions! I am Mistress Kat! THIS is Bessie," she said, brandishing what looked like a sparkly red whip. There was a mooing noise which suddenly echoed around the hall, and students shuddered. Somehow, the moo seemed sinister.

With a wide smile, Mistress Kat continued. "The heretofore disembodied voice shouting directions at you is Lady Ivy."

"FEAR ME," Lady Ivy boomed.

Mistress Kat visibly rolled her eyes. "I am sure you'll see her prowling the halls later. Now ladies, before I introduce you to our staff, I would like to make one thing very clear: There is to be no glomping, no stampeding, and no squealing. Violate these regulations and you'll meet Bessie firsthand."

"AND I WILL BREAK YOU!"

Evie was on the verge of laughter and turned to Elbow-Girl to share an amused smile. "They seriously think we're going to stampede a bunch of old men?" she whispered conspiratorially.

"I know, right?" snickered someone on the other side of Elbow-Girl.

Before anyone else could chime in, Mistress Kat continued. "Heading up our contingent from Middle Earth is none other than Legolas, Aragorn, Arwen, Eowyn, and Faramir."

Evie was confused. Where the hell was Middle Earth and who the hell were those people? She turned to look at Elbow-Girl, but she was on the floor, fighting to stand amidst the stampede of fangirls. In fact, a third of the students had charged to the front of the room shouting things like, "String me up on your bow!" and "I'll let you rule my kingdom!"

From the sky there was a sudden hail of commas and a large bone-rattling moo. "That will be _quite enough_," Mistress Kat reprimanded, her voice icy.

"WHAT DID SHE _JUST_ SAY!"

The students all muttered and crowded back, making plans for future, more subtle attempts at wooing their lust objects.

"Alright. Now, if I could have your attention for just a few more moments, I will introduce the rest of our staff. From England, we have Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley."

Evie knew who these people were, but she wasn't about to stampede to meet them. Who cared about men with pointy sticks when you could have men with pointy teeth? Another third of the room disagreed, and charged recklessly to the front. This time, the professors just smiled and raised their wands. The only sound accompanying the squeeing of fangirls was the splat of them hitting the professors' shield charms. The four wizards grinned.

Lady Ivy boomed again, "BACK IN YOUR LINES. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LINES?"

Mistress Kat rubbed a hand across her face, and waited for the uproar to settle down. Wearily, she waved a hand, beckoning the last group of professors forward. "And our dear friends from Washington."

Screams could be heard throughout the hall, but there was a new sound, that of two thirds of the student body hissing and withdrawing. The Twilight lusters took no notice and charged forward, Evie among the first.

"EDWARD!" was the unified cry.

The other professors looked amused and Mistress Kat seemed hesitant to crack her whip. The stampeding fangirls/students were only prevented from reaching the front by a sudden wall of semicolons.

"Right, that went rather well," said Legolas, beaming. Sighs were heard throughout the crowd (a few girls fainted).

"Ladies, our professors are to be treated with respect," began Mistress Kat.

"RESPECT DOES NOT ENTAIL PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO SEDUCE THE STAFF," boomed Lady Ivy from above.

"I'd also like to introduce you to your protectors and tormenters. In a moment, I'll open these doors and you will quietly and quickly find yourselves a room in our dormitory. Three minutes after these doors open, I will release the plunnies. And ladies, you won't like them." With an evil laugh, Mistress Kat floated down, reached into her sparkly red boots and pulled out a giant brass key. With the key, she unlocked a large set of double doors and shouted, "Tick tock!"

"TICK TOCK!" added Lady Ivy for good measure.

Students pelted out of the room with longing glances toward their lust objects. Soon, only the staff was left.

"Well, I thought that went well," smiled Arwen, pleased that her man had not been trampled for the first time in University introductory history.

"Speak for yourself," whined Bella.

Mistress Kat rolled her eyes and checked her watch. A wide grin made its way across her face. "That's three minutes," she said, grinning maniacally.

Lady Ivy emerged from the small office door concealed behind a bookcase. "Is it time to release the plunnies?"

"Release the plunnies!" Mistress Kat crowed. Nothing happened for several seconds, and she looked sheepish. "Oh, right. The key." She fished another key out of her boot and strode across the room.

Lady Ivy turned to Legolas. "On the plus side, only a third of the students here care about you enough to lust after you," she said brightly.

Eowyn grinned and shared a conspiratorial look with Arwen. "And if it changes, don't worry, Legsie, we'll protect you," she said, winking lewdly.


	4. Haddock

**Haddock**

Evie heard cries of "Cuuuuute!" shortly followed by shrieks of pain, and hastened to find a room. Partly because she wanted living quarters… partly because she feared for her life. Finally spying her name embossed on a plate hanging by a door, Evie ducked inside, narrowly avoiding a whoosh of pink that went flying past.

She slammed the door and leant against it, breathing heavily. Reaching for the lock, she briefly wondered if she should lock it yet, as she wasn't sure her roommate had arrived.

"SO! Aragorn or Legolas?" a chipper voice chimed from the closet.

Evie shrieked, and the door creaked open to reveal a short, mousy little girl with a mop of brown hair. Or was that a real mop? In the half light, Evie couldn't tell. "Um… who?" she asked.

The creature emerged from the closet and Evie saw that it was in fact a mop on her head. Evie went to pull the mop off of the girl's head but she recoiled, hissing and whispering, "My preciousssss!"

Evie stared.

"What? This is my precious. Everyone has a precious. Aragorn has Arwen. Everyone else has the ring. I have Legolas-Mop. But soon, I will have Legolas. The elf. Prince of Mirkwood. Hottest of the hotties." Indeed, scrawled in green sharpie on the mop's truncated pole was the word "LEGOLAS" surrounded by a series of red hearts.

"Ooookay?" Evie stuttered. The girl beamed.

"SO! Aragorn? _Or are you after my Legsies_?" she said menacingly. "Or after that Potter chap? The scar was hawt."

"Umm… No. My man is," Evie paused, swooning for good measure, "is Mr. Edward Cullen," le sighhhhh.

The Legolas-Mop went flying through the air and smacked Evie in the face. It smelled like musty… something… and she quickly swatted it away.

"PRECIOUSSSS!" said the girl, diving to the floor to recover the precious.

"I'll just be going now…" Evie headed towards the door.

"Wait, are you Evie?" the girl asked, "because if you are, we're roomies!" she squeed and clutched at Legolas-Mop. Evie briefly entertained (or really not so briefly) lying and taking her chances in the hallway, but a sudden screech of pain and a scream of "OH GOD! IT'S SO FLUFFY! I'M GOING TO DIE!" made her nod dumbly.

"I'm Nicole! Nicole Moore! Also, we will break you of this Edward thing. There are so may better options for you. Haddock, if you want ancient and cold, go for Gandalf."

"Who are these people?" Evie queried.

Nicole, who had been trying to hoist herself and the Legolas-Mop up to her bunk, fell. "Y-you don't even know who… oh, I have a LOT of work to do," she said, petting Legolas-Mop creepily.

"You at least know about Edward, right?" Evie asked, slightly terrified.

"That sparkly creep? Oh, I know _all_ about him," Nicole grimaced.

"Edward is not a creep! He is a GENTLEMAN," Evie defended.

"He's a muffin-humpin' stalker!" Nicole shouted in reply.

"Is not!"

"Is so!"

"Is NOT!"

"Is SO!"

This 'argument' would have continued indefinitely, had a plunny not come tumbling into the room.

"I thought you locked the door!" Nicole shouted, brandishing Legolas-Mop and scrambling back towards the bed.

"I would have if you hadn't scared the crap out of me!" Evie shrieked. The plunny snarled, revealing fangs. Dripping with… was that blood?

"Holy SNOODLE!" Nicole shouted. "It's all PINK and stuff!"

"Sparkles! I shall name you fluffy and you shall be mine, and you shall be my fluffy!" Evie said, clearly under the plunny's sparkly, pink and rather fluffy spell. She reached toward it…

"No! Don't touch it!" warned Nicole.

But Evie could not resist. It was too late.


	5. Infirmary

Infirmary

"Ow…"

Evie was confused… that wasn't her voice. She opened her eyes and was met with the sight of a high-vaulted ceiling and a collection of hastily-constructed beds. Her whole body hurt, and it sounded like the girl in the next bed was in a similar position, so this must be the… well, where the HELL was she?

"Where am I?" she croaked.

"I don't know, but there must be a name for it," the girl in the next bed said.

"Do you see this gash! I want more than one bandaid!" complained a voice down the way. The girl seemed to be arguing with a sign, which happily advertised, "Only one bandaid per customer!"

Evie blinked and spotted a sign above the only available exit. It said "Infirmary". She had never heard that word before… was it French?

"What happened?" asked Evie. "I remember pink, fuzzy… something. And there were teeth. Lots of teeth…" she could only remember the event in flashes.

"Did you pet a plunny?" asked the girl in the next bed.

"I must have."

"Me too. They're too sparkly to resist. Like Edward," she sighed.

"Oh, finally! I thought I was going to be the only one!" exclaimed Evie.

"Me too! My roommate seems to be into wizards. Kept complaining about not having a wand," said the girl.

"My roommate has a mop," Evie muttered.

"That's… strange. I'm Liane, by the way."

"I'm Evie. Is your roommate into Legsie too?"

"Who?" queried Liane.

"Exactly! Who are all these people, anyway?" Evie wondered.

"I have no idea. My roommate talks about Potter. I don't get it. What's so great about a long wand?"

"Totally! Besides, Edward could _totally _take him in a fight."

"He wouldn't stand a chance with that puny stick he calls a wand!"

"I know, right? You know what? WE should be roommates! We're the only sane ones in this castle!"

"We TOTES should! How do we do that? Is there like an RA?" Liane wondered aloud.

"I don't think so… I guess we should find a front office or something?" Evie suggested. She rose from the bed and checked herself over for any major injuries. Nothing seemed broken, and she wasn't bleeding, so she deemed herself healthy.

"FABOOSH!" Liane declared. "But I guess I should go get one of those bandaids first. My arm has a cut on it." Together they walked over to the medicine cabinet. Inside, there was a rather large box of dinosaur bandaids underneath the "Only one bandaid per customer" sign. Liane shrugged and took one, placing it on her cut.

Five seconds passed, and then, "RAWR!"

Liane and Evie both screamed and nearly jumped out of their skins. "What was that?" Evie exclaimed.

"I don't know… I…" Liane looked down at her cut. Although the bandaid hadn't covered more than a fraction of it, miraculously there was no longer a cut there! "It's gone! These dinosaur bandaids are magic!" she said happily.

Together, the exited the infirmary, having both learned a new word! "Do you know where we're going?" Evie asked. Lianne looked lost, and just shrugged. They picked a direction and walked, hoping that a kindly sparkling stranger would step into their path and help them. And maybe make out with them.

Lost in this little fantasy, the girls didn't notice Lady Ivy cross into their path. "Isn't it a little late for you little mousies to be out of your little housies?" the woman practically sang.

"Umm… we were just…" began Evie.

"Looking for…" Liane continued.

"Your beds?" prompted Lady Ivy. From down the hall they heard the echo of a _crack_, and a long, sinister moo. They shuddered and shared a glance. Perhaps they could request a roommate change in the morning.

"Yes, our beds, I guess," Evie said shakily.

Lady Ivy grinned, which, rather than reassuring them, instead provoked a fear neither had experienced before. "The dormitories are that-a-way," Lady Ivy informed them, gesturing in a general leftward direction.

"Yes, t-thank you, Lady Ivy," stuttered Liane.

"Would you like a plunny to escort you to your beds? Just to ensure you don't get lost, of course," asked Lady Ivy.

This was simply too much. "No!" Evie exclaimed, grabbing Liane's wrist, and dragging her away down the hall. Behind them, they heard Lady Ivy cackle.

It was only when Evie found her room again, and deadbolted the door (no more plunny incidents for her tonight!) that Evie drew a full breath again. She crept into her room and into her bed, and spared a glance for her wacky roommate, who was cuddled up amidst her Legolas sheets, snuggling with the Legolas-Mop.

What a freak…


End file.
